Since a while my reading has been very selective. I don’t particularly follow the latest trend in writing. I have my own line of books I want to read and study. So I find myself alternately reading the lives of Saints and Mystics of the Catholic and Sufi tradition and biography of people involved in destructive cults in the current time. And books that helps people recovering from such groups.
So after spending quite some time meditating and reflecting on the autobiographies and works of Teresa of Avila and St John of the Cross, masterpieces of western Mysticism, I took Luna Tarlo's “Mother of God” from the shelf. I knew it was an autobiographic account of her life as a disciple of her own son. I was eager to read her experience.
Luna Tarlo's story has been taking me back into a life of unpredictable events, massive manipulation, subtle and overt psychological abuse and game of power. The book speaks of her experience as the mother of Andrew Cohen, a rather well-known guru, at least in the US. I was fascinated about the narration at the beginning of the book of her life in India when her son "became" enlightened and started to gather followers and close disciples. It reminded me of some aspect of my past in the same time in Poona with Osho. At that point Andrew actually invited his mother Luna to meet him in India and to become his disciple. Andrew Cohen became enlightened at the feet of Poonjaji, a guru from Lucknow. Many of my fellow sannaysin friends found in him a replacement of Osho, just because he proclaimed others enlightened around the clock. A spiritual game that Andrew had enjoyed perpetuate with his own devotees. But not his mother. On the contrary she got the rough part of the stick.
Throughout the book, again and again I shook my head in disbelief why she would compromise so much of her life and gave up most of her identity to follow her own son in a rollercoaster of situations that didn't make much sense, were rather abusive not to say awful and ominous in pursuit of enlightenment.
Nevertheless, I could relate totally to all of them. I have been through the same and worse. With one difference: the guru was not my son neither my mother, he was just a guru. Or should I say gurus: Osho and Kalindi.
Luna had a very insidious battle going on in her soul and mind. It was so deeply intricate to separate her previous natural relationship of mother and son, from what Andrew was requesting of her. The total surrender to him as her spiritual teacher.
It is disconcerting how much we are able to compromise in the name of enlightenment when we are not deeply centered in our self.
People join a group and tend to stay in it because they honestly think they can find what they are looking for with that particular master or guru. You stay in a group because the group bond and initial love bombing are assuring you that you are being loved and accepted. You stay in a group even when you actually don’t receive appreciation any more, but you are challenged and criticized all the time. You stay especially at that moment because you are told that this is the guarantee that God is working with you and that things are moving for you. Enlightenment, or what other gurus call “Freedom”, is just around the corner for you. And so you keep up hope, and you stay.
You stay, even when you feel always the same, and you have become used to this emotional blackmail, trying to reach the carrot that it’s always in front of you but never in your mouth. It doesn’t matter how much you have to give up of your identity, of your life, of your money and your attachments. You try to do it all because you believe it will bring you to the altered state of a perfect enlightenment, or total freedom. And there will be no more pain and suffering. That is what the guru is preaching from his white high pedestal. Osho did it, and Kalindi did it as well. These are my two experiences with a master.
Eventually when you get really tired, when you are totally disillusioned, when you witness total madness and you are the aim of everybody’s anger and frustration, when you critical thinking is rebelling against the sheep conditioned mind, and when you feel you have got your own life to live you may be able to step out. Or you are cast out because you don’t fit anymore, you don’t fulfill the high group demand and expectation. And that was my experience. I started to feel a taste of sanity once I was kicked out.
It takes time, strength, immense strength of character and a lot of work in finding again your roots, your true identity. But it is more then possible.
Luna Tarlo met U.G. Krishnamurti, who uncovered the veil over her eyes. She was lucky.
U.G. Krishnamurti (1918-2007) was a Indian thinker who claimed there is no Enlightement.
It made me cringe more then once the ego assaults that Andrew applied on his mother and other fellow disciples. In the name of wanting his mother to surrender totally, he forced on her massive humiliation, first in front of few devotees, then in front of the all “sangha” with hundreds of people. He sent her to live in a different house away from him, punishing Luna for not improving spiritually as he demanded. Living with him and generally speaking living in the same house as your master is the highest goal and a sure sign that you are either already enlightened, or close to it. Having the luxury to share the same roof as your unquestionable leader it is seen as spiritual advancement and success. Andrew also took away from her any possibility to retreat in the safe cocoon of a room on her own, instead she had to share her space with someone else, in order to be under his grasp and scrutinized all time. Needless to say that in such authoritarian group settings, spies are checking on you around the clock becoming therefore the extended eyes of the god/guru himself. In another attempt to break his mother separate life, he ordered to toss all her life’s writing works and to get rid of her house in New York so that she could cut ties with the old self.
It reminded me how often in Munich during my association with the Miracle of love group I had to change houses, sharing rooms with others in order to let go of any preferences, attachments and my own separate ways and self. I used to throw fits of anger which were heavily punished. I had to let go of my clothes, jewelry, my way of doing things in order to follow the very strict disciplined lifestyle that was required from a Miracle of love member.
I was looking forward to the part when Luna would finally have a "click", change of awareness, when she would open her eyes and see that she didn't want to be controlled and manipulated anymore.
How long can it take for a person lost in a spiritual group, following a self declared master to decide to leave and be free from the lifestyle and especially from the belief system around the leader? In the case of Luna it was even more difficult. She had to deal with her son as guru, not just a leader but her own flesh. It is unnatural to reverse the order of mother/father and child. While it is possible to suggest and even teach few things to your parents it is deadly to assume a position of leadership and command on them. Unless they are sick and depend on you, it is bound to end badly and bitterly.
Finally, Luna was able to cut the ties with Andrew, but it did not happen overnight. It took her a lot of struggle to find her own identity and be free from her despotic son and move away from the power mechanisms and control he had over her. The meeting with U.G. Krishnamurti, accidental as it was, was the catalyst to able her to untangle herself from her son.
A key sentence that U.G. Krishnamurti told her and the other disciples of Andrew that were present at the informal meeting, in response to the question if it was necessary to surrender to a guru, was a turning point. U.G. said: “What can a guru give you? When you surrender to a guru, all that happens is that you give up your self-reliance.” Luna was already accustomed to the unorthodox ways of U.G., having read his book “Mystique of Enlightenment”. And something penetrated through the thick fog and lift it.
The book is not only exploring from an intimate perspective the abuse of power, the incessant fear, and the psychology of obsession, but it describes also a personal way out from the destructiveness of such a group.
Also, to me this book is another testimonial of the triumph of a soul, a hymn to freedom and the willingness to share her experience so that others may be helped.
It is quite a ride to trust your own spiritual nature, intimate experiences and dialogue with God, but it is possible to have the awareness both of the trickster, con artist, self proclaimed guru, spiritual teacher and the honest spiritual guide. It is possible to be able to discern, therefore to choose.
The best I can do right now after my life's adventure in the spiritual search for answer is not to follow anyone and be truly myself. I suspect I had to go through major disappointment and frustration to be able to stand now in absolute trust with myself and rejoice in my own special, unique and personal soul connection with God.
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