Chapter 4

The truth to be revealed!

About Gourasana - Miracle of Love's founder.

I never met David Swanson aka Gourasana in person; he died in March 1995, before I did my first Intensive. However, his followers put together a booklet of his teachings that became the Miracle of Love bible. This book called "Breaking the Cycle of Birth and Death" is a collection of quotes spoken by Gourasana between '87 and '90. Anyone in the MoL organization has to possess one. And on top of that, every MoL house needs to have one copy in each toilet, so never a moment will pass without being reminded that "you better move your ass" if you want to "Go home in this lifetime".
"No time to waste" (Mol most favourite quote) even while you are involved in human biological activities.
Indoctrination and control hand in hand!
There is nothing new in that book that was not already said by some great men, though not necessarily in the same context, since Gourasana depicts and reduces life and human feeling to sheer suffering and illusion. The underlying message is to strive for liberation, salvation, breaking free, because other then that there is no hope on this plane of illusion. The choice is you don't have a choice, you are bound to come back and have another life with more suffering and more illusion.
The devoted reader is invited to pray, but prayer becomes a must, becomes something forceful, becomes your slavery. And bottom line whatever I did I was never praying enough!!!

Last year in Amsterdam I met an old sannyasin friend who described me what he felt and thought the first time he saw Gourasana. He was in his last stages of his sickness, so he was big and very unstable on his feet.
My friend was standing in the dark meditation room when he saw him right at the entrance door, surrounded by an aura created by the sunlight. And he thought: Jeez... this guy looks like an alien and out of his mind, something funky is going on here. That to me sums it up what Mol really is: a lunatic dream of a crazy, narcissistic leader.

Nobody ever find out what David/Gourasana died of. The reason given to the Mol devoted members and to the world at large was that he couldn't handle God's energy. He let himself die. Kind of...... imploding into enlightenment.
Less esoteric interpretation impute his death to AIDS. Whatever it may have been, MoL promotes his death as great example of sacrifice. If a simple man could give up his life and his body to let God coming through him, others can try to achieve the same and at least follow him.
The quote most associated with David/Gourasana is: "Sweet and willing surrender".
As a member of Mol you have to strive for this goal and anything different is bound to be rejected.

Kalindi - Gourasana's widow and his voice.

After listening for years the soothing, gentle, trance-like voice of Osho, I disliked the sound of Kalindi's voice to my bones. Her voice is like a triple espresso in one go early morning: you would never relax. And that is indeed the main underlying attitude in a MoL lifestyle, stress and anxiety.
Over the years she changed her approach, by trying to talk slowly and softly, but I could always hear her anxiety behind her words.
The "Voice of God", as she proclaimed herself, has never really attracted me. I stayed for many years in MoL despite, not because of Kalindi's Voice. I stayed because I believed in my own process and in my own sincerity to pursue one of my life spiritual goal.

Having been myself a true believer I made the best out of that experience. Of course, now that I am out of MoL, what I call 'the best' is not quite the same as it was when I was in.

Kalindi loves to have her disciples look her in the eyes and pretend that what comes shining through - or not - is coming straight from God, actually "the immense love of God". Her eyes are pitch black, to me there was nothing warm and loving in her eyes.
Before you could look into her eyes, one to one, you had been either waiting for hours in a line or meditating for hours or both, while leaders were instructing you what to see when you look at her. So... you were bound to feel something great, because of the effort and money you paid to be there. I was persuasively invited to worship Kalindi as the only answer to the question of this planet, how to save myself and others from the spell of illusion.

Kalindi, whose real name is Carol Seidman, was taken couple of times into a psychiatric hospital. Of course no one in the organization knew about it. I only found out myself after I left MoL, although gossip and rumors about some of her extreme behaviour reached my ears while I was involved. There was no way you could find out what was really going on, again you were supposed to trust, believe and surrender everything, especially your thinking mind. Kalindi was freed up from answering questions about her private life. Try to ask God what he is doing all day and you will hear that it's none of your business. Your business is only to follow what she said how much contradictory may be. You jump, you don't think.
Her lifestyle was very expensive and I can't recall how many times we gathered together to collect money to fund a new house for her, or anything else she liked to have.

I have many stories to tell about how frantic everyone was in Munich in preparation for her first and only visit to the European MoL community in the Summer of 2003. This time coincided with my acute crisis of my life in MoL.

About the Lady.

What to say about "the Lady"? Previously known as Gayle, to me she was the biggest disappointment of the holy trio. She was a children's school teacher by the time she met Carol/Kalindi and David Swanson.
Gayle was given the name "the Lady" by Gourasana, who felt she was becoming more and more like the holy mother and had "the destiny to teach the people on earth how to pray".

For a while Lady Gayle stole my heart and I was forced to follow her footstep. Let me explain.
She was known in the past as an angry bitch ready to lash and scream at people but she transformed into the mother of compassion and was made second hand in charge, after Kalindi.
When I met her during my first Intensive I liked her. She had something of my attitude, very well hidden, but still visible to my eyes. Of course before actually seeing her I was told by members how holy she was, how wonderful she was with people and how much she really loves me, even though she didn't even know me, just because "she loves everyone who comes to the Intensive". Also the one who are not coming! Recruitment strategy.

She made a tape once about her transformation and particularly about her anger prior the transformation. Transformation in this context is referred to the process of letting go your ego according to the Mol guidance and find your true self within your connection with God/Gourasana.
I was told again and again to use the Lady as an example of how she transformed from an angry bitch into a pure and loving being.

I received guidance to listen carefully this tape everyday for several months and write every day what I understood and how I will apply those teaching to my life. Those reports were on top of all the other duties in MoL endless lists of jobs.
For a while this tape became my only hope and inspiration that it was possible to "let go of anger" and become the sweet little being every leader wanted me to be. I was believing there was something wrong in feeling angry and did everything I could to fix that. Obviously now, without succeeding.
Over the years I closely watched the Lady and I often felt an edginess, ready to explode attitude transpiring from her loving look. She played the humble, very humble at Kalindi's feet and she was also very often reprimanded by her - I witnessed that scenario many times.
But our "loving mother" was loosing her temper and behaving dictatorially with her subordinates if contradicted. And of course, no one knew about it.

In 2002 I was due to be in bed for several months after a serious surgery to my knee, and wrote to the Lady about it.
One year later I received her answer. The same thing again and again "to do everything I can not to take birth again..." When I shared with my former friend and house leader "what a spaced case" the Lady was to answer me one year later, he told me that "The Lady really doesn't belong to this realm any longer. She lives somewhere else with The Light Being. She doesn't live like 'normal' people in the normal frame of time and space".
I rolled my eyes and said nothing. You can' t argue with any of the leaders. But that was one of the many signs I felt that something was not quite right.
A year later I was gone!

I can see, now, through the lies of the apparent perfection of those leaders.


Suggested links for this article:
Narcissist leaders
How To Recognize A Manic-Depressive Group Leader
Psychopathy and the Characteristics of a Cult Leader
Article on Mol by a German organisation

See also:
The goose is out - first article by me, posted on the Rick Ross website
A warning on Miracle of Love
Sarlo's Guru Ratings on Kalindi and MoL