My personal obituary for Kalindi's death.
On the 18th of April, 2010, Carol Seidman, aka Kalinda la Gourasana, aka the voice of god, died.
The news of her death came in an email, just the day after I finally arrived home in Amsterdam. A friend passed the news to me. Initially it was just a rumor, then over the hours more emails followed and confirmation came.
First thing that came to my mind was an old discourse of Gourasana, aka David Swanson, who just before he passed away spoke about Kalindi as his successor. Being the so-called 'Voice of God', Miracle of love would continue under her divine inspiration and guidance.
"Kalindi", he said, "will live a long life" (I have time nor energy to find the exact quote and on which tape he spoke those words).
So he predicted a long life for Kalindi. But she died prematurely. Gourasana was wrong.
I don't have many feelings about it. Already once in my life I witnessed the death of a master, Osho.
I was there, in Poona during the last three years of his life. We knew he was sick, although we didn't really know of what. The conspiracy theory was that he was poisoned in Usa federal prison, and the effects of the poison deteriorated his health to the point of death.
I had not many feelings either back then. I remember I felt such a wave of freedom through my soul, together with a sense of wonder and disorientation. But also I had had a mild surgery just the day before he died, so I was still under the effects of narcosis.
But with Kalindi is different. I've had no contact with Miracle of love since April 2004 and I am calling myself free from the clasp of this pseudo spiritual organization. I feel compassion. As a good friend put it to me, it feels like learning of the death of a long ago ex-lover with bipolar disease.
She actually passed away exactly six years after I left Miracle of love. Or rather, after I was cast away by the wits and moods of Scotti who could not stand being questioned, contradicted or in anyway opposed. And that is what I did. The last time I stood up against his domineering and authoritarian attitude he sent me out of the room to cool off. Needless to say the following meeting with the Munich congregation I was asked to leave the MOL organization. More of my stories in previous blog entries on MOL.
Kalindi's departure doesn't bring tears to my eyes. My tears right now are flowing for my beloved father who lost his short-term memory all of a sudden. However I am sorry she died like she did. And I am sorry for her daughter and the few hundred disciples around the world who will feel lost, disoriented in pain and questioning.
MOL gives as reason of her departure disseminated intravascular coagulation precipitated by kidney failure (wikipedia). That is not a death that comes suddenly, she must have been sick for a while, and I wonder how much the devotees were allowed to know about her physical and mental condition. Like anything else in MOL, for example the real cause of David Swanson's death, there is a veil of secrecy that cannot be lifted. Therefore you cannot even ask for the truth because everything will be answered to you as a transcendental reason or simply with a spiritualized Mol cliche. As it was with Gourasana's death, "he could not hold God's energy!"
I can see how the "love and care" team (oh, the doublespeak!) is organizing key people to support those who find it difficult to cope with Kalindi's death. A 12 days mourning program has been set up for her memorials. You even are told how to behave when the leader dies, according to the MOL standard. Many ex-members received an invitation for this program.
I'm sure there are a lot of discussions and speculations amongst people who have a family or friends involved in MOL, whether the Miracle of love organization will continue. Well, don't hold your hopes up, of course it will!
Even when I was still actively involved in the group there were preparations for who will succeed when the leaders will die. Miracle of love is structured like a pyramid (by power, not necessarily by wisdom, if there is any) and the next one in line will move up. The small fishes will have their time now to step up and lead more MOL members into more brainwashing and lies.
Personally I only hope some of the members will enter into some healthy doubts that eventually will bring them to real freedom from the cult.
Sister death does not spare anyone, not even a cult leader. And when sister death passes, it is always worth it to pause and re-examine your life. Truly it is the best meditation to shake you up and wake you up, not to surrender more to a dead master but to open your eyes and truly listen your inner voice. It has nothing to do with a cult leader self proclaimed Voice of God. It can be such an awakening time for so many people to really, deeply look what they are doing with their life in MOL.
There has been a number of world wide conference calls to inform the MOL members of the departure of Kalindi. In those calls people were sharing memories and stories about her.
My last memory of Kalindi is from back in 2003, when I spent 3 hours scrubbing a fridge which was already cleaned, just prior to her first arrival in Germany, in Munich. When she finally arrived we had a huge meeting and an Intensive with everybody flying in from all over Europe to be with her. At my question why was I find it so difficult to surrender, she answered without looking into my eyes or even in my direction to not waste my time holding on and let my self fall into the abyss. "Was I not trusting that God is carrying me?"
I am glad I didn't listen and kept holding on to my true sense of myself. And yes indeed I always trusted in God but not in her.
The smart dogs ran off
poem from Kabir (c.1440-1518)
I sat one day with a priest who expounded
on the doctrine of hell
I listened to him for hours,
then he asked me
what I thought of all he said.
And I replied,
" That doctrine seems an inhuman cage;
no wonder
the smart dogs ran off."
May you rest in peace Kalindi.
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